We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
