My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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