sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
