I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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