i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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