My first STD was from a foam party
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
