I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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