the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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