i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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