I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
