Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You left your phone here
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