Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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