Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
