It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
