one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
