Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
