I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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