Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Couch. On fire.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
