I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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