Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
