It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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