I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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