The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
