worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
