im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
