the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
