Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
