Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
