You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
