Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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