the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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