i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
