I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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