Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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