white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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