Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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