wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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