In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
