Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
