ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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