I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
