Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
