Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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