dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
