Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I just gift wrapped bread.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
