i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
