I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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