I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
