You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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