; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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