he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You are the jesus of drinking
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
