I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
