I can tuck mytits in my pants
Apparently you make a good broom.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
