I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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